bye, islam.
05/12/25.
it’s easy to fall in love.
but when the relationship goes deep and for a while, it reveals itself.
after stubmling upon the hadiths of aisha and her relationship with the prophet muhammad (pbuh), i fell into a dilemma.
question:
in the hadiths, particularly those in salih al-bukhari, which state that aisha, one of the prophet muhammad’s wives, was six years old when her marriage was contracted and nine when it was consummated.
it doesn’t sit right with me knowing that was allowed, knowing that’s pedophilia in modern times.
i understand ways have changed since ~605 CE, but in my mind, a 9 year old and a 15 year old are the equivalent in the sense that marriage is the last thing someone at those ages should be doing (from solely a moral standpoint).
i don’t know how to comprehend this; it’s a mix of confusion, distastefulness, and curious to understand why.
update: did some research; i found out that the laws that governed the land when prophet muhammad and aisha got married allowed this to be legal via tribal customary law (urf).
i think the moral and the religious aspects are in a collision within my beliefs. a God does exist, no denying that, but if being honest, i must learn more about the religion to acknowledge the yin and yang within it.
its quite a unique emotion, no question, yet i accept this will be a lifelong endeavor to accurately map this aspect of myself.
there were some parts of the islamic community that i am glad i had the privilege to immerse myself within.
the community aspect was incredible (in my experience), and the brothers that guided me in a religious and moral aspect.
i will forever respect them, regardless when i part ways with the religion.
however, i noticed again, the brotherhood that i felt from them kept me in. granted, they told me to read the hadiths and the quran to find out if it’s right for me. that surprised me; that they didn’t tell me to go for it, but rather, to look at it from a birds-eye view and then make the decision.
it’s a bittersweet moment.
these past two years taught me the power of my mind and how far it can take me.
i developed high autonomy and high variety to any work i do.
but at what cost?
nearly lost myself, became alienated to the majority of society, it’s quite a boulder to carry, my back has tired itself.
i am still the ambitious kid; but i have learned that the extreme forms of ambition and its extreme pursuits are not worth my life; especially if i am living that life in accordance to the indoctrination of someone else.*
* everything past this sentence, i am not talking about islam here; just in general from people and programs who fed me information and i was not mature enough to interpret the advice correctly and led me down a whimsical road i cannot unsee or undo. i must unlearn that way of life before it is too late to reverse course.
i am not mad that i attempted that life; i got quite far, saw worlds i would have never seen, met people who i know will do incredible work.
but as life goes on, and you expose yourself to things, at some point, i asked myself: ‘imma die, fs. so am i doin’ what i would want to do or what i think i should do?’
ik i am built for difficult things; but i do not think that things that require me to sacrifice my sanity or do mental gymnastics to justify why i do it is the right flavor of ‘difficult’ for me. and the only way i found that out was by trying it for myself.
to know for sure, you must do. you must commit.
i’m still looking for that flavor of difficult, but i got options to try, and i shall do so.
for now, it’s either military officer, math/electricity/electrician, or working w/ seniors (idk, everyone tells me i’m an old soul stuck in a kids body, whatever that means).
who knows? maybe i do go back to that world of companies/startups; but if and when i do, i know it’s because i want to and i have a genuine problem that only i can solve, not because i think i should to satisfy whoever i think i should satisfy.
i like movin’ fast, and now that i lived some life, yea… idrc bout university as much, i’d rather go through programs that teach me skills to use asap, so trade is more appealing by the day.
and my vice of walking into restaurants and taking food/beverage has stopped. good.
one vice is left: lust.
just cut off the unnecessary devices and i’ll be ok. no more ways to get what i want, so the temptations disappear.
i see myself in the sphere of deism and exploring baptist christianity.
i believe in God; i just have not found the interpretation that i am conformable accepting (both the ethereal and the abhorrent).
and that’s okay.
it’s time to split ways.
i respect islam.
and after getting to know the real you, and islam knowing me…
i think it’s best we shake on it, hug each other, and promise to keep in touch.
the mosque is in front of us. you walk in, i keep walking.
i found enough answers there.
i’m still looking for the rest of them.
dm.