category 05.
15/11/25.
today is an unusual position for me to be in.
i felt feelings that i only recall ever encountering when i was on a mission in cambridge.
those feelings were packaged, taped, and sealed shut in a box that i stored in the most inaccessible section of my mental attic.
i had to lock them out of my daily programming; they are potent, powerful, and can seduce a soulless man into acquiring a purpose.
that purpose may not be useful if we extend time past the immediate and noticeable consequences of the actions produced by such feelings.
that feeling is the one you get when you have a mission that could take your entire lifespan to complete. you exchange your life’s energy for the pursuit and adventure it affords.
i believe it is the equivalent feeling to the one that professional athletes, military, and founders/creators* on the cutting edge of their field wield every day until they cease their activities or when the mission is complete in their eyes.
* it’s not an exhaustive list; it’s the first few that come to mind.
that feeling has struck a nerve within the most ungovernable sections of my being.
i crave that feeling again.
i crave the feeling of exchanging my life’s energy into a mission, a project, or a movement that requires me to be swept into an ethereal dream. bonus points when i work on something with others or in tandem with others.
the ethereal dream i’m describing is a construct of the mind where no matter what my circumstances are, i understand why i am undergoing the situation i have placed myself in.
those days in cambridge have been recorded as the days where i felt most uncomfortable, yet the most present i can recall.
it was definitely due to the fact i was swept into this ‘ethereal dream’ because of the mission i had. everything scared me, yet nothing fazed me. things that are worth it do suck. they suck a lot. that’s how it’s supposed to be.
the most recent encounter with that feeling is when a very close homeboy and i went out of our way to construct an event we thought would be engraved in everyone’s prefrontal cortex for as long as they lived.
while it didn’t work out, i remember every day, its struggles, its pleasures, and the random horseplay we’d do. i felt powerful. i felt free. i felt in the moment.
i couldn’t care less if someone told me i would have died within next week during that pursuit; i was playing my game with someone i wanted to play with. i was with God.
it’s a distasteful experience when the vehicle to life satisfaction collapses and i facepalmed onto the concrete floor. one sometimes uses excess vices like clubbing, porn, or substances to numb the mind of its fall from peace. perhaps those things are an effective, dangerous attempt to recreate that feeling.
i noticed myself returning to urges i’ve eliminated, even as far as using them again. with these digital lexicons, i promise myself to never use them as a substitution for deep reflection. out of sight, out of mind.
i think i want an unmovable mission with its roots anchored in purpose. it is natural for a human to exist within a tribe, to contribute to it, and foster the people who will bear the responsibility to maintain and multiply the tribe.
i say this because i observe myself being drawn to missions and people who carry a record of deep focus on achieving a specific thing for an extended period of time or achieving a collage of feats that equate to a product of that individual living multiple lives in one.
i.e. jonny kim (nasa astronaut), alejandra campoverdi (former white house aide to president obama), admiral william mcraven (ret.), those kinda people.
i think why i find myself drawn to individuals like these is due to my tendency to be impatient with results. i’m always impatient with action, so i’m not concerned there. i tend to not wait for the results of my actions to blossom from the dense soil within.
then again, they all dare to exceed the normal boundaries of what their community tends to believe is acceptable. i find it hard for me to live a confined life where i can be cornered and boxed up in the same style i bury my emotions with my incomplete self-reflections.
now that the turbulence within me has ceased to exist, i’ve reached a hypothesis that i shall ponder for the remainder of the week:
an individual will know what they want their life’s work to be years before they find the vehicle to express it. the difference will be if the individual can continue the search to find that vehicle without draining their patience or their commitment.
i say this because i have to ask myself why i had a battle between my two selves to apply again for the service academies.
i thought it was due to desperation to leave this part of town and be free again, not being chained to my parent’s house and feeling miserable that i live in this way. maybe it’s finding a purpose, but that’s not true, especially after going all the way with organizing an event with zero experience.
no.
i just want peace of mind.
i miss the ethereal dream.
the ethereal dream of exchanging my life’s energy for the currency of peace.
peace bought me the state of living in the present.
i do not know of any other method to buy me that state of mind.
i am certain that it is an addictive sensation, yet i’ve decided that it’s infinitely times better to pursue that than in a state of ennui: floating in space with no fable or finale to look forward to.
so here i go: i must find that feeling again in the mundane aspects of life to add some color into my world right now.
all i see is a monochromatic canvas.
where’s bob ross when you need him?
i’ll start with where i’ve been told i’m good at: getting people to tell me things they’ve told me that they’ve never told anyone before, and being totally comfortable with it.
dm.