i appreciate you, brother.
17/11/25.
talked w/ a homeboy.
what i took away from him.
do not set goals; time is too far for me to monitor and measure.
if n = 1, and each number means years, as n becomes bigger i cannot measure all the hypotheticals, which means i cannot measure the consequences of my actions.
he said to not look into the future, it is why i am anxious, rather it’s best to live in the moment, maximum n = 1, and perhaps adjust the numbers to mean months, or weeks.
if i look into the future, ofc i become anxious. if i look into the past, i’ll become depressed.
all i can control is this week; it will have decisions that shall affect the entire semester and my chances of the service academy and sat scores; tho tbh i did major in service academy and not my work…
tbh, i was focused on building a sports tournament and personal endeavors more than classes. this is my youth; this is my chance to take the most risk. once it’s done, i lose it forever until i’m old and dysfunctional physically.
all good things come to an end; this year will be just that. i do not regret nothing, but the time has come.
he personally told me that i am settling with trade school and csum [dot] edu, working as a deck officer, that i got more brain than this; it should be my last option in an economic sense. first time in a while ppl tell me that; i tend to be embarrassed of things i should be proud about.
true. but the only true test of intelligence is if i git what i want outta life. as of now, i do not have the answer to that question that i can say to another person: “what do i want out of life?” when i do, the answers will be clear. i have data points that can lead me to a conclusion, which i’ll document.
i also realized that i tend to prefer people telling me that i am doing good work and it’s appreciated, it’s my way of knowing i’m loved and respected or appreciated i guess.
realistically, what i’ve been attempting to recreate is the brotherhood bond i developed in cambridge; ppl gave me a place to be, i gave ppl money to survive, vice versa, they were there at my lowest, ppl shared their vulnerable moments, and worked, lived, and did mayhem and projects/companies together. what a splurge of an ethereal, powerful, and life-fulfilling emotion.
it’s a trend/tendency i’ve noticed these past three years: i always revolve around such feelings of camaraderie and brotherhood; i do not care what i do, as long as i got my brothers, it’s what made me appreciative of life and made me feel alive. i acted so assertive it felt…off. kinda like arrogance. but i knew my worth. and i owned it, i claimed it. i knew people had more than me, but i was proud of making it that far. i guess that’s why i am in this situation: i want to relive that life, specifically, that emotion again until God ends my time here on this earth.
but he mentioned, to give to a tribe, one must be sane themselves; now it’s time to focus on myself. money is tight, so of course it makes sense why i feel like i am losing in this battle.
we agreed that the best choices for an action plan is the following:
this is my final year of attempting anything ambitious; it’s potent to do hard things, but it derails a man from focus if he continues the search for an emotion rather than a materialized substance.
so this year is for the service academies until a decision is made by the superiors and the academy admissions team.
if it’s a no, i committed to decide between consulate work/law relating to visas with an eventual aim to diplomacy or enlist into the space force and go all the way, 20+ years,… no point to stay for a few years.
in this world, it’s no longer sustainable to be somewhat good; one must be the specimen of the field and the work one is uniquely trained to do.
and if yes, i will never regret the decision to go for it. there will be recognition for everyone who got me to this point; people will earn their flowers.
so this week, big decisions shall be made.
i’ll lock in on some exams, but the real focus is to excel the sat score; it’s the veins of my application to the academies and my ambitions.
do well there, get the final lor’s, do congressional interviews, and wait.
that’s when we lock in on academics again.
there were no wrong decisions taken; they are just some that will never be repeated again. the worst decision would’ve been indecision.
it didn’t happen, which allowed me to learn such abhorrent habits and traits i’ve identified due to my blind spot that prevents me to analyze that twisted side of my existence.
i have some apologies to make.
i have a pending reboot to do.
and i have to appreciate my homeboy; i luv this man to death. he is appreciated.
same for three other homeboyz. that’s all, nobody rly got more than five.
aight back to focus.
dm.